The Funniest Canadian Joke.

[Cyrien]

I didn't even bother reading the comments. It was the remix that I found funny.

[Taera]

Mixed feelings - while this is funny i find the guy to be quite good at what he's doing.

i say that one of such comments as you made and as you quoted might as well overweight all the insults done.

[ May 04, 2003, 05:17: Message edited by: Taera ]

[Karibu]

This is not a canadian joke but quite clever sentence I read from the net few days ago. I apologise every american who reads this

"I could believe a God if I saw a burning Bush."

[tesco samoa]

One for TC

Three Canadians and a Genie

Three guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Newfie says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, POOF! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, POOF! there was a huge wall around Quebec.

The Albertan asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."

For Fyron

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

"Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on Earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them."

For Mac

Signs you may be a Canadian

You stand in "line-ups" at the movies, not lines
You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk"
You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars
You drink pop rather than soda
You know what it means to be on pogey
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the cottage, eh!!"
You don't hold your hand to your breast when you sing the national anthem
You can leagally drink as a teen
You know that anglophones, francophones and allophones are not electronic devices
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba. You just know it's a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it
You're not sure the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't really want to know if he has
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and pLastic jugs
Pike is a type of fish, not a freeway
You sit on a couch, not a chesterfield - that's some small town in Quebec
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers or car's glove compartment
You know that Thrills are something to chew on and "taste like soap."
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you could really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your *** and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel 'nightie' with only 8 buttons.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one metre above the ground.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
You find -40�C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You read rather than scanned this list
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

For Dogscoff

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

For SJ

In the rest room, 3 guys were standing side-by-side using the urinals. The 1st guy finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Toronto and they taught us to be sanitary."

The next guy finished, zipped up and quickly, wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Waterloo and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The Last guy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Ryerson and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

Thats it

[tbontob]

LOL

Tesco, here's one for the list.

The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are so big, that they have become the provincial bird of Manitoba.

(Flin Flon is a town in Northern Manitoba and people do go around with the picture of a mosquitoe on their caps with subtext that it is the provincial bird.)

[TerranC]

Originally posted by tbontob:
LOL

Tesco, here's one for the list.

The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are so big, that they have become the provincial bird of Manitoba.

(Flin Flon is a town in Northern Manitoba and people do go around with the picture of a mosquitoe on their caps with subtext that it is the provincial bird.)

The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are SO wasted...

I don't think I need to finish that joke

And tesco, thanks for the jokes

Edit: For those who does not get the joke of the joke, Flin Flon is the site of Health Canada's (The Canadian Health Ministry) cannabis farm. Flin Flon residents have been sighted wearing *welcome to canada's pot capital* shirts and caps.

[ May 06, 2003, 01:02: Message edited by: TerranC ]

[Gwaihir]

Alaska: the only place on earth where mosquitos can kill a moose.

[tesco samoa]

he he... this is for the boys in toques

http://www.post-gazette.com/sports/o...8perfectp5.asp

And a TRUE Story called

THE REFRESHING TALE OF THE GOD OF BEER.

ANCIENT CANADA-- The Canadian obsession with drinking beer is not just a cultural phenomena, it is an act of faith. Canadians have a long history with the malted liquor, starting with their early worship of the gods of beer.

Barbarian Canadians first learned the secret of beer--it is told--when the sky opened up thousands of years ago and a great golden figure came down upon the earth bringing a holy recipe for making a refreshing beverage made up of only three simple Earthly ingredients (barley, malt, hops) that could be mixed with fresh springwater.

All who saw the beer God began to suffer intense headaches and a strange dizziness that made their straw sleeping mats appear to spin, before eventually forcing them into unconsiousness. When the primitive Canadians awoke, their mouths tasted like the *** of a yak, but they now had brewing knowledge.

The ancestral Canucks then began to brew their own beers in wooden cauldrons made from hollowed-out maple tree stumps, and then stored the finished product in vessels sewn from dried caribou skins.

The first drinking Canadians would consume the draught from the carved-out horn of a ram. But because a horn has no base, they were obliged to drink it all at once or clutch their horn to their stomach--to prevent others from stealing it.

This ritual continues to this day, where at parties around the country young men will either down their drink in one "chug-a-lug" gulp or else, if there is no need to impress, they will hold their bottles close to their bodies as they discuss whether Marshall McLuhan or Mackenzie King was the better goalie.

Archaeological digs near Montreal have found some of the oldest depictions of the ancient gods of beer that Canadians revered as providers of the amber nectar. The images, scratched onto the top of a petrified picnic table, show Mohl-Sun, the god of fermented spirits, raising a bottle to the sky and either yelling, cheering, or toasting in some fashion.

"You can tell He's really whooping it up," said Andre Pelletier, chief archaeologist at the site, which is close to present-day McGill University. "From the angle of his knees I'd say he's already drunk a two-four, or maybe just a case. A half-sack at least. He's almost falling backwards."

"Myths describe Mohl-Sun as a wise and caring god," said Andre. "Mohl-Sun's Canadians looked up to him for wisdom, and sanctuary, a means to escape from the everyday pressures of life. They honoured their god in the time-honoured fashion of belly-patting and belching in respect."

Mohl-Sun is thought to be the inspiration behind the famous beerhenge monument, a large circular structure in Old Montreal made up of hundreds of thousands of piled-up empties.

"It just looks like a mound of broken bottles and beer caps now," said Andre, "but it must have been an awesome sight 3000 years ago when it was thrown together. The sun would hit the top bottles during the spring and fall equinoxes--and shine through to the other side--as if it were pointing towards some ancient liquor store."

Although Mohl-Sun was the dominant beer god in Central Canada, the West Coast had its own drunken deity.

Kokanee the Clever was a trickster god, often giving the illusion of beauty to those who drank too many beers around the longhouse. Kokanee's trickery brought together many unattractive couples together for mating, which fulfilled his other function as a fertility figure. One legend speaks of Kokanee flying to Earth in the form of an ugly raven. The villagers, appalled by the site of their god, consumed beer all night until the raven turned into an eagle, approximately two hours past midnight, when the traditional drinking longhouses were about to close.

Most of what we know about these deities of malt, barley, and hops is horribly incomplete. Inscriptions and drawings found in the ancient beer caves of Kenora, and from the Dried Bark Scrolls are almost illegible and, unless large quantities of beer are drunk, incomprehensible as well.

Canadians to this day are grateful for their gift from the gods of beer, and try to worship him at least three times a week.

[Gwaihir]

GO 'CANES!

hehe, i like it. And tres quality that we get the #1 spot.

[tbontob]

Originally posted by TerranC:

quote:

---

Originally posted by tbontob:
LOL

Tesco, here's one for the list.

The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are so big, that they have become the provincial bird of Manitoba.

(Flin Flon is a town in Northern Manitoba and people do go around with the picture of a mosquitoe on their caps with subtext that it is the provincial bird.)

The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are SO wasted...

I don't think I need to finish that joke

And tesco, thanks for the jokes

Edit: For those who does not get the joke of the joke, Flin Flon is the site of Health Canada's (The Canadian Health Ministry) cannabis farm. Flin Flon residents have been sighted wearing *welcome to canada's pot capital* shirts and caps.

---

Hmmm....

Maybe that's why the skeeterbirds are so big.

Drinking the blood of wasted FlinFlonians may have affected their genetic structure causing them to grow big.

And to be totally and deliberately politically incorrect... it would be the female's fault as they are the only ones to drink blood.