Jokes and Riddles Centre - Page 62

Wardad · #**611** January 25th, 2004, 05:17 PM

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?

California became a state.

The state had no electricity.

The state had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the middle of the streets.

So it was just like California today,
except back then the women had real breasts.

rdouglass · #**612** January 27th, 2004, 09:04 PM

John is at the Superbowl Game and sees a prime seat unoccupied near the 50 yard line. He goes down to it and talks to the man sitting in the seat beside the empty one.

"Excuse me, is that seat taken?"

"No, its not." the man replied.

"Would you mind if I sit?" John asks.

"No, help yourself."

John comments to the man about how he's surprised that the owner of that seat is not here to sit in it.

The man replies,"Well I bought that seat for my wife, but she died."

John says, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you get a brother, cousin, or other relative to take her seat?"

The man replied without hesitation, "They're all at the funeral."

Wardad · #**613** January 28th, 2004, 02:01 AM

Blonde Guy Joke:

The town's sheriff is walking down the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks
"Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her...so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
"Now go to town cowboy"... And here I am.

Wardad · #**614** February 4th, 2004, 02:45 AM

Top Ten Reasons George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars

10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location

9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative

8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com

7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there

6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil

5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph

4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections

3. Dude, free Mars bars

2. Why not? It's not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy

1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn't do it

Wardad · #**615** February 4th, 2004, 03:14 PM

how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

Atrocities · #**616** February 4th, 2004, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Wardad:
how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

This would actually be funny if it wasn't the god awful sad truth.

Wardad · #**617** February 13th, 2004, 03:00 AM

One tough guy...

http://www.local6.com/news/2839096/detail.html

narf poit chez BOOM · #**618** February 13th, 2004, 04:00 AM

that is tough.

Loser · #**619** February 16th, 2004, 01:54 PM

Thanks to this absolutly hilarious list I am now aware that my right tear duct may sometimes run out before my left.

Some text may not be work-appropriate, but who's worried about text, anyway.

Wardad · #**620** February 17th, 2004, 02:24 AM

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The Last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams,
"For God's sake, you a**hole...it's 3:30 in the $^$@# morning!"