Advise

[Taera]

ok sorry, but the jokes are realy good

[Kamog]

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

She will probably tell you that she does, in fact, need it.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

He starts worrying a little bit before that.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

Corollary: there are very few, if any, successful men.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Therefore, there are very few successful women.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

When they ask you, "Are you still single?" respond by saying, "Yes, are you still married?"

[Wardad]

Originally posted by Kamog:

quote:

---

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

When they ask you, "Are you still single?" respond by saying, "Yes, are you still married?"

---

LOL!

[Loser]

Originally posted by Wardad:
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

"Are you still single?"

"Yes. In this state, anyway."

[Wardad]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



And Finally

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he Deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.

[Gryphin]

Didn't want to gunk the other thread.
This is the correct quote:

"All the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average"

Yes you would expect the men to be strong and the women to be good looking but that is not the way he says that on the show.

Then again, maybe that is what you meant.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

we still have a metal ice-tray.

what do people use now?

[Wardad]

Reasons the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) There's no time like the present to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it, English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French
fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
If the plural of foot is feet, why isn't the plural of boot, beet? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what
do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship
by truck and send cargo by ship? Park in a driveway and drive on a
parkway? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance
and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?

[General Woundwort]

Wait, Wardad, you forgot some...

Comb, tomb, and bomb do not rhyme. Womb and doom do.

'ghoti' is pronounced 'fish' ('gh' from 'enough', 'o' from 'women', 'ti' from 'tion').

[EDIT - dang, two were already in there.]

[ August 04, 2003, 23:56: Message edited by: General Woundwort ]

[Gryphin]

I will never forget the day:
Third grade in New Jersey
I contradicted the teacher.
I told her that
dauwg does not rhyme with fog.

I got sent to the princibles office for being ...

[ August 04, 2003, 21:51: Message edited by: Gryphin ]