OT-Horrorscope

[Sea-Monkey-Pirate]

That reminds me of a Tarot reading I had.

The fortune teller turned over a card clearly marked the "Scottsman".

"The Scottsman?" I asked, "I have never even heard of that card!"

The fortune teller replied, "Well not to many people have this future, have they?"

[capnq]

Here's a fun "alternate" Tarot:

Silicon Valley Tarot {link}

[Wardad]

Astrological Signs of the ZodiEgg
(Chicken Horoscopes)

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18):
Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20):
Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and Lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19):
Chickens born under the sign of Aries are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20):
Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20):
They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they are curious and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22):
While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They have a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

LEO (July 20 to August 22):
Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunity to escape a normal, humdrum existence.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22):
Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22):
Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making the crossing a considerable risk to themselves and others.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21):
Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21):
These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world and a spirit which longs to be free.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19):
Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.

[tesco samoa]

For the week of Feb 12th

Source : By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
The incident-reconstruction specialists will thank you for the chance to work with so many monkeys.

[tesco samoa]

for the week of Feb 19th

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.

[tesco samoa]

For the week of feb 26th... Yea I know... But I had a run in with Wayne

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for $93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.

[tesco samoa]

For the week of Mar 3rd

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."