OT: Hell is For Heroes.

[dogscoff]

...and then in the morning, AZ read through his hangover what he had written the night before and said
"oh nadgers, I'm gonna have to resurrect them all with nanotech again."

[rdouglass]

Is that really how you end the story AZ? I feel used like a 1-night-stand.

[Puke]

if you hung out in the IRC channel, youd be up on more of the inside jokes.

so how soon until there are triplets?

[JAFisher44]

Well, its been 4 months AZ, isn't it about time for some more story?

[AgentZero]

Probably.

[AgentZero]

See? Good things do come to those who wait. There's a little joke for those of you who frequent #spaceempires, and a vague reference to Sheldon and/or Sinfest, but otherwise those of you familiar with none of the above should do fine. And now, without further ado, I present to you 1727 words of unadulterated... something. Or it might be adulterated. I'm not entirely sure what adulterated is. Oh, right. That probably counted as ado, didn't it?






�Incoming!� Alice shrieked suddenly, diving to the nearest console and sending the ship into a dizzying evasive pattern.

�Who? Where?� Kagan asked, trying not to sound as though he was trying desperately to keep his lunch down. �And why?� he added for good measure.

�Couldn't tell you,� Saraea replied, staring at a display screen. �The source of the fire is outside our sensor range.�

�Someone's taking shots at us from outside our sensor range?� Kagan repeated incredulously. �That's not good.�

�Actually,� Saraea said slowly, scowling at her display screen. �Alice, sweetie, stop flinging the ship about for a moment, would you?�

�Thanks but no thanks,� Alice told her. �Being dead isn't on my plan for the day.�

�We won't die,� Saraea assured her. �Just... stop.�

�Ok,� Alice agreed grudgingly. �But if we die, I'm spending eternity poking you with a tiny spoon.�

The ship settled into a more stable course, and true to Saraea's word, they didn't die. All eyes went to Saraea, who ignored them magnificently, staring at her display screen instead, periodically adjusting a few controls.

�No one's shooting at us,� she said eventually. �What we're seeing is stray weapon's fire from something very big up ahead, if the energy signatures are anything to go by.�

Kagan turned to Alice and Fiona. �Are you girls sure you-� he let the question die as the girls turned towards him, their expression telling him everything he needed to know. �Right,� he said. �We're continuing in, but if there's a big hostile out there, we're going in slowly and carefully. Set all systems to minimum power. Configure engines for silent running and switch to passive sensors only. O'Shea, get over to the Defiant and power up her passive sensors too. They've got better range and resolution and you're docked far enough back that the Daedalus's engines should mask the higher output.�

O'Shea obediently rose from his seat and left the bridge, while the rest of them crowded around Saraea to get a view of her display screen. Minutes passed and nothing happened. The four of them jumped, then managed to do a respectable job of pretending they didn't when a burst of static preceded O'Shea's announcement that something bigger than them had just come into range, and that they should be able to get a reading on it in about five minutes. The longest five minutes in the history of the galaxy proceeded to pass with nary a care over the anxiety they produced in the four occupants of the Daedalus's bridge.

�Squee!� Alice exclaimed suddenly.
�I see something!� Fiona chimed in. �Something... blobby.�

Indeed, at the very fringe of passive sensor's range, the silhouette that appeared on the display screen was distinctly blobby. Passive sensors operated on a variety of different frequencies, and at the furthest extent of their range, didn't do a very good job of telling them apart. Kagan found that by squinting just so, and tilting his head ever so slightly, he could make out the vague shape of a ship's hull, buried amongst what he could only assume were heat blooms.

�Kaelan, do you have any better idea of what exactly we're looking at?� Kagan asked through the intercom.

�Unless my eyes deceive me,� O'Shea replied. �Which I might add they don't. At least not where this sort of thing is concerned. Perhaps when it concerns the drink and buxom young fillies, but most assuredly not where this sort of thing is concerned.�

A long silence ensued, eventually prompting Alice to point out, �You never actually finished that thought, sweetums.�

�I didn't?� O'Shea said, bewildered. �I normally don't talk that much without making some sort of point.�

�Well you did,� Alice said bluntly. �So would you please finish? Inquiring minds want to know!�

�Oh. Well it's a Tauren battleship,� O'Shea replied matter-of-factly. �And someone seems to have blasted the bajasus out of it.�

�Cool bananas!� Alice exclaimed.

�Eh, might I point out,� Kagan said tentatively. �That we are currently in the process of approaching at a not insignificant velocity, and not distancing ourselves at a fair and resonable velocity, from said person, place or thing that blasted the bajasus out of a Tauren battleship. And might I also point out that we are considerably less well-equipped than said Tauren battleship to absorb the sort of punishment that results in the aforementioned blasting the bajasus out of.�

�When you use lots of big words it makes me all tingly,� Alice informed him.

�Really?� Fiona replied. �I'd describe it as more prickly.�

�You *****!� Alice declared good-naturedly, delivering a gentle swat to Fiona's backside.

�*****?� Fiona gasped in mock indignation. �Why you!� And with that sentence fragment, she proceeded to return Alice's swat in kind. This, for whatever peculiar reason set the two of them off into a fit of giggles.

�What's all the laughing?� O'Shea demanded. �What's so funny?�

�It's nothing,� Kagan replied, sounding harried. �The twins are spanking each other.�
�That's nothing?� O'Shea exclaimed. �I'll be there in two- why hello.�

Kagan made a noise of confused interest.

�Something new coming up,� O'Shea explained. Something big. Very... Big. Should be visible to you in five minutes or so.� The longest five minutes in the history of the universe proceeded to pass with nary a care over the anxiety they produced in the four occupants of the Daedalus's bridge.

�Hey, it's a... wall,� said Fiona. �A big blue wall.�

�Zooming out,� Saraea informed them, her hands swiftly manipulating the controls. �A lot.�

The solid wall of blue proceeded to shrink, albeit at a less than rapid rate, until it began to form the outline of something very large indeed. Eventually, it resolved itself into a shape bearing a striking resemblance to that of a spaceship, though admittedly a spaceship much larger than anyone on either bridge had encountered thus far.

�Blimey,� said Kagan.

�Crikey,� said Saraea.

�Yoink,� said Fiona.

�Thbbt,� said Alice.

Kagan was about to say something cautionary, when a sudden wave of nausea washed over him. At first it was a mild ripple that he tried to shake off, attributing it to too little sleep and too much strenuous activity. It surged suddenly, leading him to wonder, despite all the logical impossibilities of such an occurrence, if he had perhaps eaten something he shouldn't have. It then proceeded to explode into a dizzying sensation not entirely unlike having ones innards pummeled by a thousand tiny, freezing cold fists. He collapsed to his knees, gagging on something unpleasant as he tried desperately to avoid pitching over altogether. He turned his head, ignoring how the action caused his vision to swim crazily, and tried to croak a warning to the others, only to see Alice and Fiona collapse to the floor almost simultaneously. He turned his head the other way, towards Saraea despite the profound sickness such an action produced, only to find that she too was slumped over her console. Over the intercom, he could hear the unmistakable sound of violent retching. His vision blurred, and began to darken, when suddenly without any warning, the sickening sensation vanished, and he found himself breathlessly kneeling on the floor.

�What...?� was all he could manage.

Saraea pushed herself back from her station and visibly collected herself. �We were scanned,� she managed weakly. �Vigorously.�

�My nooks!� Fiona moaned, rising shakily to her feet.

�My crannies!� Alice groaned, struggling to her knees, then slowly pushing herself upright.

�Eh, lads?� O'Shea's voice wavered over the intercom. �I've gone and made a fine mess down here, so I wouldn't be expecting any updates for as long as it takes me to clean this up.�

�Bloody hell,� Kagan muttered as he pulled himself into a chair. �I once stepped in front of a scoutship's array while they were running diagnostics on it and it felt something like that. But this far away? What the hell has that kind of power?�

�Nothing I can think of,� said Saraea. �But this leads me to believe that it may be safe to approach. Consider,� she continued over Kagan's feeble objections. �Something with that sort of sensor capability would have seen us long before we ever saw it, silent running or not, yet it did nothing. Didn't shoot, didn't launch missiles, didn't even run away. More to the point, we are now considerably closer to it than the Tauren battleship and it still hasn't done anything, leading me to believe that not only is it safe to approach, but whomever is on that ship actually wants us to approach.�

�We agree!� the twins chorused.

�Fine,� said Kagan, shaking his head to banish the last remnants of that godawful, invasive scanning. �Well enter communications range and see what they have to say. But if anything they say smells even the tiniest bit fragrant, we're turning tail and forgetting we saw this thing.� The longest five minutes in the history of the multiverse proceeded to pass with nary a care over the anxiety they produced in the four occupants of the Daedalus's bridge.

�Entering communications range... now,� said Saraea. �And incoming hail, audio only.�

�Prompt,� observed Alice. �Like a moose.�

�Efficient,� Fiona agreed. �Like a fox.�

�Put it through,� said Kagan, directing his most fierce scowl at the twins.

�Docking permission granted,� a matronly voice informed them.

�That's all,� Saraea said after a few moment's silence. �They've severed the connection.�

�Never have those three words made me want to run the other way so much in my life,� Kagan said.

�I'm with you on this boss,� said O'Shea. �Let's scedaddle.�

�No!� Alice blurted. �We have to go! They know things. Important things. About us. And if you don't, well, why I'll bludgeon you severely with...� she rummaged around in her pockets briefly before whipping out her weapon with a flourish. �This!�

�That's a tissue,� Kagan pointed out.

�I know,� said Alice, sounding vaguely uncomfortable. �Think about it.�

�Fine,� said Kagan grudgingly. �We'll probably wind up dead. Or enslaved. Or both. But whatever happens it has to be better than having the two of you whinging at me. Besides which, if we try to run, they probably have a tractor beam or some such silly made up device to drag us in anyway. Take us in.�

�Initiating docking procedure,� said Saraea. �Estimated docking time: five minutes.�

�Why does everything take five minutes?� wondered Alice.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

The only proper responce is, of course, "I'll tell you in five minutes."

[TurinTurambar]

Gah! Too short!

re-engaged,
TT

[AgentZero]

Too short? That was epic! I meant to get more posted today, but I spent most of this afternoon painting trellises in the basement, and it turns out that several hours in an unventilated room filled with paint fumes leaves me feeling less than ideal. But I should get another installment done this weekend.

Or, dare I say it... maybe two?

[AgentZero]

As promised, here's the next, almost as long as the last mostly by virtue of a big speach by O'Shea of all people, installment. JAF, you wound up with a syndrome named after you instead of a star system. Sorry about that. But it's a really cool syndrome.

And can anyone say triplets?








--------------------------------------------------

This time, five minutes passed rather quickly, as they had a massive spaceship in front of them to observe in ever greater detail as they drew closer. At first there was just the general shape of a ship, with a few large, well defined weapon emplacements clearly visible. As they grew closer, large areas of light and shadow resolved themselves into clusters of guns and external missile racks. As they grew closer still, rows upon rows of gunnery emplacements became visible. Soon after, the nearly invisible slits of internal missile bays became visible, and shortly after that, as they were all still marveling at the vast array of firepower on display, the Daedalus was swallowed up into the massive ship's docking bay. There was a soft thump and the deck rocked gently.

�Docking complete,� Saraea informed them.

Wordlessly, the four of them made their way down to the common room where they were joined by O'Shea, who'd had the good sense to put on a change of clothes. They headed down to the cargo deck, and if Kagan hesitated at all before lowering the ramp, it was only for the slightest of moments. They stepped out onto the deck of the giant ship and looked about in awe. The docking bay was beyond huge. It stretched for several kilometers at least off behind them and to either side. They'd landed near one of many white doorways with blue frames. The doorway in front of them was closed, as were all the other doorways they could see in either direction. The floor was a dull gray but the walls and ceiling were eggshell white, though on closer inspection, Kagan realized he couldn't actually make out the ceiling. The walls just seemed to go up forever, disappearing into a sea of white. In the absence of any noise from the quintet, the only sound was a gentle hum that you only noticed when you thought to listen for it.

�Jasus,� O'Shea said quietly, making the rest of them jump despite his soft tone. �You could fit a superdreadnought in here.�

�Or a squadron of them,� Kagan murmured. �This ship is colossal.�

�I bet I could make it to the other side before anyone else,� mused Alice. �I can run super fast.�

Before anyone could think to answer her challenge, the door in front of them clanked loudly, then quietly open. On the other side of the doors stood a more or less humanoid robot. It was ceramic white with blue detailing and triangular blue eyes. It had no nose, for obvious reasons, though it did sport an oddly ordinary pair of ears. It's mouth seemed similar to the mouth of a normal human being, aside from the lips being blue, and it's arms and torso seemed designed purposefully to resemble their human counterparts in only the crudest fashion. The robots strode towards them gracefully and stopped before O'Shea, who was standing to the far left of the group.

�Good evening,� the robot said to him. Before he could reply, the construct had moved on to Saraea.

�Good evening,� it said to her.

To Fiona, it said, �Good evening.�

To Kagan, it said, �Good evening.�

To Alice it said, �Good evening, Grand Admiral.�

Kagan turned and fixed a look upon Alice, who ignored it entirely, chosing instead to stare at the machine with something between confusion and apprehension.

�Um, sorry Mister Robot,� she said slowly. �But I'm not an admiral. I am grand though, thanks for asking. How are you?�

�All my equipment is functioning within normal parameters,� the robot informed her. �And part of my normally functioning equipment is a GS1939-0608 DNA scanner, and your DNA which I have so recently scanned, conforms with that of Grand Admiral Alice Fiona Komatsu, commander of the Seventy-Fourth Fleet of the Grand Imperium of Sol.�
Kagan's eyebrows shot up. They hadn't called it the 'Grand' Imperium since the Second Dynasty, over five thousand years ago.

�Unless,� the machine went on. �You're claiming to be an impostor?�

�What would happen if I were an impostor?� Alice inquired tentatively.

�It would involve my sharp, jagged bits, and your soft, delicate bits,� the robot replied impassively.

�I ask only out of curiosity,� Alice said hastily. �I am of course Grand Admiral Alice Fiona Komatsu, commander of the... thing.�

�Seventy-Fourth Fleet of the Grand Imperium of Sol,� the construct prompted.

�That's the thing,� she agreed. �Hey,� she said a few seconds later. �What's with the guns?�

Kagan spun around to find that Saraea and O'Shea now had their weapons leveled at Alice and him. His mind raced. The two of them had manged to put a few paces between themselves and their targets, and he was quite certain he couldn't get close enough to either of them quickly enough to avoid being severely perforated. He spared a glance at Alice, hoping to find her ready to fight, hoping that maybe the two of them could disarm their friends and find out what the hell just happened. But Alice was simply staring at Saraea, eyes moist and her lips trembling. His eyes flicked over to Fiona, who was staring a hole through O'Shea, her hands twitching slightly at her sides. Maybe, just maybe, if she provided a telekinetic distraction, he could get in there and get a hold of one of those guns.

�I'm sorry, sweetie,� Saraea was saying. �I don't like this any more than you do, but we have orders, and we've come to far to go against them. Now I'm going to come over and give you a little injection. It won't hurt a bit and you'll have a nice pleasant sleep, ok?�

Alice's gaze abruptly turned steely. �The last person who tried to do that didn't fare too well,� she said dangerously. �And that time I didn't have a telekinetic backing me up.�

�Here comes the floor!� Fiona announced cheerfully, and pitched over flat on her face.

�She'll be fine,� O'Shea assured them. �She'll wake up in a couple hours with little more than a mild headache and a dry mouth.�

�What in the name of the Nine Divine Whores of Kantarl is going on here?� Kagan demanded.

O'Shea sighed. �I suppose we owe you that, don't we?� he said. �It goes like this: Towards the end of the Second Dynasty, Imperial scientists uncovered a method whereby nano machines could be used to temporarily mimic the function of human brain cells while new ones were created by other machines, thus overcoming the one major hurdle standing in the way of immortality; the eventual breakdown of the human mind. With this accomplished, true immortality was at last within our grasp for the first time since we'd cast aside our religious objections to it's pursuit. Of course, you don't want to be going about handing out immortality willy-nilly, that just wouldn't be responsible. So it was decided that only those deemed essential to the Imperium would receive immortality treatment. The emperor, of course, certain members of the royal court, key scientists, and since we were at war, members of the armed forces, including, but not limited to, Grand Admirals. Unfortunately, the war didn't exactly go as planned and the emperor, members of the royal court, key scientists and members of the armed forces for the most part, died. Of course, some had to have survived, and in the years that followed the end of the war, the surviving government put together a group of people tasked with keeping tabs on the immortals. That group still exists today, and still reports to the emperor. Towards the end of the war with the Taurens, rumours began circulating that an immortal that had somehow managed to evade detection for over five thousand years was beginning to take a, shall we say, more active interest in the affairs of the galaxy. Saraea and I are members of a ten man team sent to find, and retrieve this elusive immortal. And that brings us to you, Alice. You seem to have had a rather extraordinary number of clones made of yourself, and we spent literally years chasing some of them down, but upon close inspection, all bore genetic markers and abnormalities that marked them as clones. Fiona, for example, is a clone, and thus this machine's DNA scanner did not register her as being anyone of importance. You, however, it identified as Alice Fiona Komatsu, which means that we, at long last, have found the original.�

�But I'm not five thousand years old!� Alice protested. �I'm only... well I'm not sure, but I'm certainly not five thousand years old. That's an awful long time for me to have not noticed it!�

�You can stop playing games,� O'Shea said sternly. �We've got you now, and there's no sense in pretending any longer.�

�But I'm not!� Alice insisted.

�It's possible something went wrong over all those years, and now she's suffering from something akin to Fisher's Syndrome,� Saraea mused. Then, to Alice's blank stare, she explained, �Earlier attempts at immortality resulted in subjects whose bodies went on forever, but whose minds did not. Their nanobots would rebuild their brain tissue but in doing so overwrote existing memories and experiences, so that as time wore on, the original personality disappeared and a new one emerged. Regardless, some memories and knowledge of your previous self surely exists somewhere within your mind, and given that you're the only surviving immortal with knowledge of military technology, those memories could be vital to the future of the Imperium. That's why you must come with us.�

�You've never lied to me before,� Alice said slowly. �And I don't think you're lying now, but at the same time, I'm sure you have the wrong person.�

�I'm sorry, sweetie,� Saraea said regretfully. �But you're wrong.�

�Actually,� said an oddly familiar voice. �She's not.�

All of them spun to face the open doorway, and O'Shea let out a low moan.

�Ah Jasus,� he groaned. �Not another one!�