Advise

[Wardad]

New joke of the Day...

***
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'
***

[Ragnarok]

For any of you that get in a accident, hopefully you dont, but here is what you should do.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[mlmbd]

Wardad and rags, LOL

I am not sure which is funnier. I do know that the two combined, helped me pass a large sip of my coffee and part of a chocolate dogunt through my nose!

mlmbd

[Wardad]

99 Reasons Beer is better than women.

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the ""wet spot"" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a ""buzz"" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't *****, yell, or cry."
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are ****heads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous t@#s.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

[mlmbd]

Wardad, any reason you stopped at 99???

LOL The list, by the way, is great!

mlmbd

[Wardad]

***

WISE OLD INDIAN

The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes.

No debt.

Plenty buffalo.

Plenty beaver.

Women did all the work.

Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night loving women."

The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

***

[Wardad]

Originally posted by mlmbd:
Wardad, any reason you stopped at 99???

LOL The list, by the way, is great!

mlmbd

Yes, I stopped for a beer run.

[Wardad]

THE NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8hrs.

St. M O M 'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

[mlmbd]

Wardad, LOL are these over the counter pharmaceuticals???

mlmbd

[Wardad]

KABUL (Voice of Sharia) -- Citing worldwide reaction to Last week's terrorist attacks, multi-national terror network Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors. The "holy war" concern said the move was necessary because of an expected 20 percent fatwah reduction and the cost and complexity of thwarting new airport and immigration security procedures, according to a statement broadcast on Afghanistan's Voice of Sharia radio. "This is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have had to do in my over two decades as a mujahad," said Al Qaeda mastermind and chief operations officer Osama bin Laden in a letter to employees. He added, "Some of these people are my friends, who have been fighting the infidel by my side since we were were living in caves in Afghanistan during the Soviet occupation. We are still living in caves in Afghanistan, but I believe the bottom is forming and we will see a turnaround soon, provided we can meet the challenge by getting both leaner AND meaner."
"I have declared a state of emergency at Al Qaeda," he said. "This declaration is an official recognition that, hard as it may be to accept, our network's very survival depends on dramatic change to our operations, our jihad and worst of all our staffing levels." The cuts, bin Laden said, would include both mujahadin (holy warriors) and ulema (clerics). They will impact Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq. Some mujahadin will be notified immediately, others won't be notified until the end of next week as they finish attacks in progress or in late stages of planning, according to Taliban spokesman Wakil Ahmed. Staff cuts for suicide pilots, car bombers, petty religious clerics and other Al Qaeda holy warriors will be based on seniority, Ahmed said, in a deal worked out at a meeting between bin Laden and union officials from the IBIJ (International Brotherhood of the Islamic Jihad).

Mujahadin and others who lose their jobs will not receive any sort of severance package, according to the Al Qaeda statement. Pakistan, which oversees Al Quaeda and its subsidiary Taliban organization, is the world's largest country with a pre-medieval culture and justice system. The country's latest quarterly report said the different units of the Al Qaeda/Taliban organization, including the madrassas (schools Pakistan has been running for twenty years to turn ordinary children into suicidal holy warriors) had at total of 30,000 employees, meaning the cut represents a 16 percent reduction in staff. Al Qaeda is the latest in a string of Islamic terror network layoff announcements, pushing the total of announced cuts in the Last five days to 10,000.

Referring to massive U.S. troop movements involving three carrier Groups in the Mediterranean and Arabian Sea, worried Afghani ulemas in testimony during the emergency sharia council in Khandahar on Thursday told their spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar that the number is likely to cross the 20,000 threshold in the coming days, through attrition, with none of the expected openings slated to be refilled. OIC (Organization of the Islamic Conference) and bin Laden are considering spending billions on emergency aid to the industry, distributed through a vast network of corrupt Saudi emirs, international prostitution rings and drug smugglers. The current exchange rate is approximately 100,000 afghanis to the dollar. The PLO announced Tuesday it will reduce its workforce by 200 to 300 sleeper agents worldwide by end of 2002 at its commercial bus bombing division and restaurant theater operations.