320.2! 301.5, 311.3, 65.4

[narf poit chez BOOM]

*Narf screams in agony*

yes, i recognize that movie.

[Erax]

A fellow decided to go somewhere via hot-air balloon and got lost. Looking down, he saw a guy standing in the middle of a field, so he decided to ask for directions. "Hey", he called, "excuse me, could you tell me where I am ?"

"Sure", the guy on the ground replies, "You're inside a hot-air balloon, ten meters from the ground."

"You wouldn't be an economist, would you ?", asks the guy in the balloon.

"Actually I am, how did you know that ?"

"Because you gave an answer that is as correct as it is useless.", says the balloon guy.

"Oh yeah,", says the economist, "well I'd say you're a politician."

"Yes I am, how did you know that ?"

"Well, you had a destination to reach, but chose a tool that was inadequate for the job. You made no plans and brought no instruments that could have helped you. And now that things aren't going as you expected, you're blaming an economist !"

[General Woundwort]

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At Last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Where am I?" The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

[OT - allllmost there!]

[Phoenix-D]

Bit of an addition to that one:

Pilot: "What? That's useless! You must be tech support."
The Microsoft guy answers back " Yes. Are you a CEO?" the pilot replies "Yes, why?"

"Because you're the one flying blind, except now its somehow my fault."

[General Woundwort]

On the same lines...

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[ July 11, 2003, 19:19: Message edited by: General Woundwort ]

[General Woundwort]

If an idle mind is the devil's workshop, then offsite training is Hell.

Not that I should complain, the spare time (and internet access) this week has allowed me to get my promotion. Now if you all will excuse me, I will go home, cut off my stripes, and pin my butterbar on.

EDIT- Done!

[ July 11, 2003, 20:16: Message edited by: General Woundwort ]

[Stone Mill]

I see this thread is being replenished nicely.

[Loser]

Mmmm...

butta.

[Krsqk]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, and I know we're all focused on the Bab5 crew, but...we even have fewer Posts than the KOTH thread! Looks like we're back to third place for the time being.

[Wardad]

Dog's Letter to God



Dear God:

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old story?

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?

How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!

Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, can you arrange for more meatballs, less spaghetti on pasta night, please?

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?



Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'

11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

16. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally my Last question;

Dear God, when I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?


Best Regards,

Spot