Advise - Page 12

mlmbd · #**111** February 12th, 2003, 03:56 PM

Kamog, geo did you one better! LOL Those are great, geo!

mlmbd

Wardad · #**112** February 12th, 2003, 08:58 PM

OMG! There is a divorce lawyer in Austin Texas named: CHEATHAM !!!

Wardad · #**113** February 14th, 2003, 12:49 AM

Here's a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the carmel ones.
2. Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
3. Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
5. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
8. Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10. A gift certificate.
11. Cash.
12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
13. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

Wardad · #**114** February 14th, 2003, 12:50 AM

Marketing Idea!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed,... 'Guess who?!?!?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"Just drumming up business." the man replies. "I'm a divorce lawyer!"

Wardad · #**115** February 14th, 2003, 01:10 AM

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince. Then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

Wardad · #**116** February 14th, 2003, 01:46 AM

Valentine Card to Osama
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of that mother####er!"

Wardad · #**117** February 14th, 2003, 02:02 AM

A list of rules that guys wished women knew...

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a Calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that Lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

30. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

31. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

32. Don't make 50 rules when 32 will do.

Kamog · #**118** February 14th, 2003, 10:42 AM

LOL! Those are great, Wardad!

mlmbd · #**119** February 14th, 2003, 09:02 PM

Wardad, again, you slay me!!! LOL

If I recover, from laughing, I may add/alter your list!

mlmbd

Erax · #**120** February 15th, 2003, 10:29 PM

Hey Wardad, I like cats ! In fact we (my wife and I) have 6...