Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

Subject: Dead Duck



A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$300!" she cried. "$300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the billwould have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

/me beats Wardog about the head and shoulders with a rubber duck.

[rdouglass]

Stuff you learn from your mother:

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the shops with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all those sprouts have gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that
way."

My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your jumper on; do you think I don't know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[rdouglass]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give
up.

Where's the f*****g ship?"

[NullAshton]

Hehe...

[Smolf]

Don't know if this one has been posted... Nodwick comic updated weekly

http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/no...ewnodwick.html

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Warning: The following humor may not be suitable for those with weak stomachs.

Subject: EMS Chips
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 15 Mar 2005 02:32 PM
EMS Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL
To: All EMS Personnel
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and
abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or
HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like
"negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration
syndrome."

4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD
(circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing
records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
pati ents to include their medical orientations in creating proper
narratives and log entries.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

LOL Douglas and Narf, that really rocks.

Thinnest Books in the World:

A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking
A Guide To Australian Etiquette
A Millenium Of German Humor
Anagrams Of The Word "A"
Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
'Behave Yourself' by David Letterman
Blacks I Met While Rowing
Blind Dates That Worked Out
Burger King Items That Start With "Mc"
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Countries Where Socialism Is Successful
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways To Spell "Bob"
Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
Everything Men Know About Women
Favorite Foreign Emigration Destinations Of The French
Feminists Worth Marrying
French Hospitality
French, 16 Year Old, Non-Smoking Virgins
Fun With Unix
George Bush: 'The Wild Years'
Good English Cooking
Good Norwegian Jokes
Household Uses For Plutonium
'How To Be A Successful Politician' by Jesse Jackson
Italian War Heroes
Jewish Sports Legends
'Life As An Air Traffic Controller' by Ray Charles
Marcel Marceau's Greatest Speeches
Mike Tyson On Dating Etiquette
Mother Teresa's Guide To Erotic Pottery
'My Favorite Barbers' by Yassir Arafat
'My Life As A Woman' by Martina Navratilova
'My Life Without Michael' by LaToya Jackson
'My Thoughts' by Ronald Reagan
National Directory Of Irish AA Members
Olympic Athletes Who Think Sports Are Really Stupid
One-Legged Folk Dances
'On Human Rights' by Fidel Castro
Party Tricks With Boiling Lead
Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians
Public Political Activities During Franco's Government In Spain
Romantic Words Beginning With "X"
Satan's Love Letters
Scottish World Cup Successes
Sign Language For The Blind
Successful Applications Of Artificial Intelligence
Sylverster Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips
The Genius Of Barry Manilow
'The Road To Lasting Economic Succes' by Boris Yeltsin
The Total Vocabulary Of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple, But Are Not An Apple
Things That Taste Better With Arsenic
Things You Could Buy At The World Artichoke Festival
Venezuelans Who Know Spelling
Vice Presidents With Really Good Ideas
'Why People Are More Important Than Animals' by Greenpeace
Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation

[Randallw]

Thinnest Books in the World:


A Guide To Australian Etiquette

and I bet you don't know we make some quite exquisite wines, you B!%^&#D.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Hey I didn't make the list! I LIKE Australia!