OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

For the Week of Dec 25th- Dec 31st.

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
You will be cited as living proof that the word "love"can mean different things to different people.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it's true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you'll take over.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.