OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

For the Week of Dec 25th- Dec 31st.

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
You will be cited as living proof that the word "love"can mean different things to different people.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it's true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you'll take over.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.

[tesco samoa]

For the Week of Jan 1st

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the Last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okayHe believes in Himself.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
Whatever you do this week will prove that Rip Torn was right about you.

[tesco samoa]

For the week of Jan 8th

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as **** magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.

[tesco samoa]

for the week of Jan 15th

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
The stars are aware of your wish to shake it, but they warn you not to break it, as it took your mama nine months to make it.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
A bump in life's road causes you to lose control of life's car and spin out of control, careening off life's cliff and into life's rocky valley below, where the car bursts into life's flames.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
Under no circumstances should you take no for an answer this week. You'll wind up in jail or hospitalized, but the stars will have fun watching.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
After developing a form of psychosis, you will become convinced you're Napoleon and conquer half of Europe before the British stop you next week.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
You'll spend the rest of your life experiencing a painful kind of celebrity as you burn to death over a period of 37 years.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
Hotei, the Buddha of epicureanism, challenges you to a pie-eating contest, which you will, of course, lose. Also, the pies are surprisingly mediocre.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
Your name will become synonymous with financial success when you have it legally changed to Rich Wealthy.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
Scientists say the universe will end in a state of heat death, which makes the giant stuttering cartoon pig's announcement that much more of a surprise.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
You will continue having problems establishing meaningful, non-strangling relationships with men well into your 40s.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
Your recent visit to the hospital to entertain sick children is a nice gesture, but they scream themselves senseless upon seeing you again.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
It appears that this is your year at Last, and it is--especially the "at Last" part.

[tesco samoa]

for the week of the 22nd

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
The good news is, at long Last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told ****ing everything?

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
Your name will soon be used as a stirring rallying cry for the installation of airbags on brick walls.

[tesco samoa]

for the week of Jan 29th

Aries: (March 21�April 19)
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)
It's time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)
You'll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)
There's trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)
They think they've won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)
The pain of your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you'll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)
While it's true that you're a sharecropper's son, it's because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum--but you promised her you wouldn't...

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)
Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.