Off Toic: Oh these are too funny.
Way things would be different if Bill Gates ran NASA...
10) "We come in peace" replaced by "We come to make money."
9) New slogan: "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." (Oh, I'm sorry, that's the Borg slogan.)
8) The first 2 or 3 Revisions of all equipment (rocket, space suit, etc.) kills its operators.
7) Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem." Mission Control: "Please hold for Tech Support, and have your credit card number ready."
6) Hubble Space Telescope flaw described as "a feature, not a bug"; astronomers told to squint.
5) U.S. actually second to land men on the moon; had to wait for somebody else to do it first so we could copy them.
4) General public still believes NASA was first thanks to superior marketing.
3) Mars Pathfinder misses planet due to Pentium FDIV bug.
2) Instead of actually building the International Space Station, NASA just buys the Russian space program and renames Mir.
And the number one way things would be different if Bill Gates ran NASA...
1) After buying Mir and upgrading its systems with NASAsoft Windows 95, the on-board computer crashes twice as often.
Windows for brains: You think about one of any number of things at any one time but only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as you encounter a "general protection fault" and as a Last resort you have to re-boot your brain.
DOS for brains: You only think of one thing at one time, and can't remember anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think only in words and never any pictures.
Unix for brains: Wow - you can think of lots of things all at once until your brain runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with people who have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you also never make any sense and have to read manuals to learn how to think. Predominantly a random thinker.
CP/M for brains: A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember has to be less than 3 letters long.
MVS/CICS for brains: You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about many things at the one time but never now what other parts of your brain are thinking unles you have set up SNA connections between sections of your brains. You also need an army of system programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.
OS/2 for brains: You can think about lots of things at once but need the equivalent of eighteen sets of encyclopedias in memory to produce any rational thought. No-one supports your way of thinking and many laugh at you whenever you speak.
Mac for brains: Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good, feels good but is expensive.
Pick for brains: I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.
AmigaOS for brains: You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small memory. The trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to think about the things another thought was using. This leads to a compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit, cross legged, on the floor.
Linux for Brains: You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets. Unfortunately, there is no support for your particular limbs, ears, mouth or .... thingy.... available yet so you are reluctant to change over at this stage.
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...
Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: Everything looks very comfortable but a little bit plain. The pilots and the carrier are experts, sometimes the flight attendants are a little bit ragged but routined. There are fewer passangers so you have more place to sit. The films are good, but sometimes they are not the newest stuff. There is only first-class and you won't to have pay more for it. All together you have a nice flight and you safely arrive at your destination. Only the few Windows-Airline-Survivors in the departure-hall singing "Tomorrow we own the sky alone" are a little bit disturbing.
Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into Groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but _all_ of them believe they arrived.
AIR GEOS: The airlines has a diverse fleet of commuter, mid-range and even supersonic aircraft, the termanils are open and clean, with lots of complimentary services for the passangers. The rates are the lowest in the buisness, but still the terminals are empty because they have not had a single arr/dep for years.
Recently released documents from the former Soviet Union (FSU) reveal that Windows was the most elaborate KGB plot ever conceived. The motivation for Windows was the destruction of American productivity in the electronic workplace. Unfortunately for the FSU, Solitaire was ported to native Soviet operating systems, leading to the subsequent economic collapse.
"I told them not to do it!" said former KGB programmer Serge Romanoff. "It was the end of us, but I think it will get you too. I saw people playing Solitaire on Sun WABI and on PowerMac, too. ... and this Windows95, is what is left of our Armageddon Project. I didn't think anyone could be that sadistic!"
Microsoft stocks surged 25 points in response to the news. High-tech stock analyst Scott Bender summarized the market reaction, "Common sense, logic, and good business practices simply don't apply to the market where Microsoft is concerned."
[ 24 February 2002: Message edited by: Atrocities ]
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