As an evil Emperor I would set a bot on the forums to reset Narf's post count to 1 every time he posts, at which point the bot will post "Hello and welcome to the forums." until Narf is driven sane.
As an evil Emperor I would force Phil to live out the rest of his life in Holland.
As an evil Emperor I like AIs. They're the easiest way to build up a sizable empire without lifting a finger, save for the occasional troop transport!